What I have learned from T.V.

The invaluable lessons I have learned from watching television. And mom always said it would rot my brain! Bah!

1) I DESERVE a lot of things. Not for any reason. I just do. I deserve a great job and a big salary and an expensive car and a nice house, and thus it is my right to get really mad when the world doesn’t hand those things to me, preferably on a platter.

2) Cloning is a BAD idea! Before long there will be no original DNA left and it will start to break down and we'll be forced to harvest alien DNA to sustain our race!

3) In most situations, men are very stupid and incompetent. They are incapable of doing menial tasks, such as folding up strollers, loading the dishwasher, waving a little fan without getting hurt, etc.

4) When hunting the Mongolian Death Worm, and waiting in the dark with your flashlight for it to crawl from it's underground home, no matter how impatient or curious you get, DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THE HOLE!

5) Plastic is the only way to pay. If you use cash or check then you are selfish, dimwitted and uncoordinated, and you are really going to screw everybody else up.

6) Everyone always believes that finding life on other planets will make them feel less alone in the world. I always thought this was a silly idea. Why on Earth should learning that there is life on other planets make anyone feel less alone? There are billions of people on this planet. If you feel so lonely with all of them around, I don't see why billions of people on a planet light-years away is going to help. However, Star Trek says that I am wrong.

7) For the most part, guards and low level security detail are very easy to knock out. Everyone knows this. Simply throw them into a wall or into another security guard, hit them in the head with your purse (or whatever you have on hand), or lure them under a waiting sand bag. Thud!

8) Time really does slow down when you are running across the beach to meet someone. If you milk it enough, you could gain some valuable time, which you might use to remember all the good times you had that summer, plan what you are going to make for dinner that night, learn another language - stuff like that.

9) To add an air of sophistication and refinement to any food, you can add the description "New York Style". Use it with pizza, sandwiches, chips, seasonings, burritos, etc. This holds true for any food except for salsa; use it with salsa and you will be mocked and ridiculed by Cowfolk everywhere.

10) When stealing something out from under someone’s nose, or more especially when their back is turned, it’s important to say "Yoink!"

11) Without some sophisticated tools, it is impossible to cut in a strait line or open a can of soup. If you try, you will make a mess of it, and probably cut yourself very badly.

12) Lastly and, I think, most importantly, what I have learned from T.V. is that this commercial makes me laugh every single time I see it.