I am 32 now. Last year I turned 31 and the year before that I turned 30. Will it never end?? The older I get, the more often I think about why it is that everyone hates and fears aging so much. I'm still working on some theories.
But I'm sure getting old wouldn't be so bad if it didn't feel so much like I was turning into an old man. Balding, graying, mustached, with hairs pooping out of moles and freckles and out of my ears and nose. Deepening, wobbly voice, chronic gas, polyester pants and a shuffling gait. It is the pits! Though I am a very lovely person.
I decided not to make a "Why it is so darn swell to be 32" list this year, since it really ain't that differnt from being 31. Besides, half of the year I thought that I WAS 32, so I don't feel any older at all. But I am wiser. (wisened?) There is no doubt about that. And I would be honored if you, gentle reader, would let me share just a few of the things I have learned this year with you. Ready..... GO!
1. How to keep my house clean. It is about dang time. But I am still mad about having to clean it EVERY day. Every day! I ask you! Where in the fine print of my marriage license was THAT laid out?
2. The actual meaning of the phrase "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth". I always thought that it was because gift horses are known to bite (Gift Horses, of course, being those mythical creatures that deliver presents on all the holidays besides Christmas and Easter). So I thought the phrase was used today to mean that you accept the gifts you get without question, because if you look too closely at the giver, they might symbolically bite you in the bum.
But Richard told me that the horse is not the giver, the horse is the gift. And if someone gives you a horse as a gift, you don't check its teeth to make sure it is healthy before you accept it. You just accept the gift and say thank you. Because it is a gift. It makes perfect sense, but I think I like my interpretation better.
3. Chocolate is a diuretic. Don't believe me? You clearly haven't eaten enough in one sitting yet.
4. Don't let my husband see what clothes I am getting rid of. I cleaned out my closet recently and got rid of all the stuff I don't wear and gave the decent stuff to my sisters and as Richard watched them go through it he was freaking out inside. Later he said to me"You gave away that sweater? You used to wear that sweater when were dating! And I can't believe you got rid of that necklace. I've always liked that necklace!" Nevermind that I don't wear any of this stuff anymore. If he had his way we would never part with ANYTHING, and my clutter would eventually gain consciousness and attack me in my sleep.
5. Sugar gives me gas. Which actually really explains a lot.
6. Don't mess with Richard when he is cooking. He made a refridgerator sized box full of fudge for Christmas. I tried sweetly suggesting to him that maybe he made just a little too much, and he was like "Rrrrraaaaaar!!"
7. Kids don't listen. For good reason I had to say to Harrison (AGAIN) "Don't eat your boogers, please." And he said "Yes, eat boogers! Chomp!!" I don't know how to spell the chomping sound he made. But I laughed so much that I know he is never going to take me sereiously. And I really need the booger eating to stop!
5. Sugar gives me gas. Which actually really explains a lot.
6. Don't mess with Richard when he is cooking. He made a refridgerator sized box full of fudge for Christmas. I tried sweetly suggesting to him that maybe he made just a little too much, and he was like "Rrrrraaaaaar!!"
7. Kids don't listen. For good reason I had to say to Harrison (AGAIN) "Don't eat your boogers, please." And he said "Yes, eat boogers! Chomp!!" I don't know how to spell the chomping sound he made. But I laughed so much that I know he is never going to take me sereiously. And I really need the booger eating to stop!
9. People selling trucks on KSL do not know how to spell. The further they get from Salt Lake, the worse the spelling.
10. Guilt trips don't work on 3 year-olds. When Harrison shoots me--which happens a lot-- and I have to fall down dead, I always try to make him feel bad for killing his poor MOTHER, who loves him and takes care of him and always makes him hot cocoa. But he just laughs and shoots me again.
11. If the person you are trying to kill won't just shut up and die, you can always shoot them again.
12. No matter where you go, in cities large and small nationwide, little old ladies still hang around the house in their muu muus and house coats. Because this is America!
I may not feel much different than last year, but I know I am getting older because I LIKE the clothes in the Chadwicks catalog. Crazy right? Those are clothes for middle aged moms, not a spring chick like me. But I happened to look through a catalog recently and I liked something on every page. What is next? Embroidering my grandkid's names on my Muu Muu?
